REFLECTIONS: Getting sage advice and immense knowledge from emails

Emails.

I love ‘em.

And sometimes I hate ‘em.

As I was not on my computer for a full day, I was dumfounded by the number of emails that stood waiting for me this morning.

There were 86.

Not counting the ones I caught in my filter system.

Of the 86, only 9 were worthy of answering … so I did something I never have taken the time to do before.

I read all of them.

Whew!

As I perused through them, I could not help but think back on an email sent to me six months prior by friend Harvey Groves, a Manistee classmate I knew back in the Dark Ages and now an attorney in Flint, and who’s email I shall include at the back end (said nicely) of this column … (No, not his address!)

After reading my emails, I discovered …

… I could find my lifetime sweetheart with a gal named Drahoslava Chalupnik from Czechoslovakia, (whose name I have since researched and found it literally means “precious glory cottager”) who only needs a few thousand Czech Korunas to find passage to the US. (And who doesn’t seem to care that I’m married … lol)

… that I could find the ultimate in dietary concoctions at below rock-bottom prices guaranteed to make me lose 16.8 pounds in nine days.

… that there were bargains galore to help my love life (we won’t even go into those!), and there are pharmacies in Canada and Japan that will cut the costs of all my heart medicines by 85.9 percent.

… that there are some penny stocks I’m stupid not to invest in to assure a happy and wealthy future … by getting (up to) a 5400 percent return! (almost guaranteed!)

… that I would never have to worry about fat again! I could burn off 78.6 pounds of fat using this special ingredient that‘s 100 percent approved by (nearly all) doctors … hmmmm. (on the other hand, there’s this list of potential side effects that won’t stop!)

… that for few pennies a day, I could receive a degree in either accounting, barbershop management or as a high tech engineer … all attainable in a matter of months … and easy on the pocketbook as well.

… further, that there is a whole future ahead of me in the development of video gaming.

… and if I am a total scuz ball, I can get a ask-no-questions car loan by people who know what it is to go through difficult life times …

… that Verizon now has my bill available on line (even though I have no Verizon phone service.)

… and, once I receive all the free dough that is offered to me, including my portion of that willed to me by my very late third cousin, twice removed and whose estate is in Johannesburg, Africa, and is awaiting my submission of merely a few thousand dollars to the Directorate of the Treasury to assure proper delivery, I can easily afford this special around-the-world once in a lifetime jet-set vacation for ONLY $83,450!

… I can also be assured my sleepless nights will be no longer be sleepless because of restless leg syndrome … or heaven forbid, snoring … which can, according to experts, ruin my vocal cords. (and definitely my marriage!) All I have to do is fill out this very simple application which guarantees servitude of my second born son for 13.8 years … and the simple organic solution will be sent to me, no money required.

… I no longer will have to hide my bare dome under a hat because this revolutionary new rejuvenating cream guarantees a full head of hair after only 62 applications of this goop at $16.95 per dosage! Whatta deal!

Good grief!

I could go on and on …

Stupidity breeds stupidity.

So with that said … and a mere change of a few words and dates (to protect the innocent … and myself) … I bring you the following “Thanks for your emails,” compliments of Harvey.

“As we have progressed through the first six months of 2012, I want to thank all you donors who have sent me educational emails over the past half year. I now am totally screwed up and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice tea without worrying about the bacteria that are sitting on the lemon peel just waiting to infect me.

I can no longer sit down on a hotel bedspread, as I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed, if it was washed.

I now have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving … because the No. 1 pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I can’t eat a little snack … particularly while driving … because I can only imagine the gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years, and who knows if the person who was driving last time had just used a public toilet, and you know what you can get there.

I have to give a very special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes … because I now have to use a wet sponge to seal every envelope that I’m mailing.

Oh yeah, and now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can’t use deodorants …because most of them are cancer-causing, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward on email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes while standing on one foot. Further, if no one returns the email back to me, my prayers are not only unanswered, but my briefs will shrink and I will be followed by a flock of ravens waiting to cover my dome in a white substance which will kill the rest of my hair and make me impotent.

I can no longer relax and have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice and missing one of my kidneys.

I can’t enjoy a dinner anymore at a chicken take-out restaurant, as these so-called chickens are actually force-fed horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feet.

Further, because of your concern, I no longer can partake of drinking anything with the name “cola” on it as it can remove toilet stains … and just think what it will do to my innards.

I can no longer use cling wrap in the microwave as it causes seven different types of cancer.

… I can’t buy fuel by myself anymore, as I need to take along a car guardian to assure a serial killer doesn’t crawl into my back seat when I’m filling up … and dump me off at the nearest rest stop without the $8.29 that I keep hidden in my wallet for emergencies.

Cinema? No way … unless I don’t mind the risk of being pricked with a needle infested with AIDS when I sit down.

And the microwave? I can’t boil a cup of water in it anymore as there’s a tendency for it to blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life and burning off my beard.

How ‘bout gardening? NOPE! I could get bit by the lethal violin spider and my hand might fall off.

And there’s no more shopping centers for me either … unless I don’t mind if someone drugs me with a perfume sample and then robs me of all my cash and credit cards … and watches, toe rings and all jewelry, too.

I can’t even answer my cell phone anymore … because someone will be calling me from Uganda, Singapore or Uzbekistan and will steal my phone code, and I’ll get bills of $1,246.72 … or even more.

Further, if I really have the need, I need to learn to hold it … as I can’t use anyone’s toilet except my own because a big, black, lethal snake could be hiding under the seat and could bite me and cause instant death … particularly at rest stops!

And for gosh sakes, don’t EVER think about picking up a coin in a parking lot as you don’t have any idea who held it before hand … or a sex molester might have put it there and is waiting to grab you as you lean over!

Now, you have only 8 minutes and 36 seconds to send this to at least 1,369 people or at 3:36 a.m. tomorrow, you will have the fleas of 136 camels infesting your back while you sleep and you’ll wake up with a hairy hump … or even two! I know this is accurate, because Harvey said it happened to a friend of his next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s third husband’s second cousin’s best girl friend’s beautician.

Oh yeah, by the way, a German scientist who moved to the mountains of Chili has discovered, following an exhaustive study, that people with insufficient brain activity read their emails with their hands on the mouse and …

Oops, too late, don’t bother taking it off now.

Before I close, and a HUGE thank you Harvey for all this sage advice, and as a side note, I should tell all of you I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I’ve been warned (twice) that water splashes more than six feet out of the toilet when it’s being flushed … and you know what that means!

(I REALLY needed that to make my day complete.)

ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND (if you can)!

(And if you can’t … blame Friend Harvey … he has broader shoulders!)

 

Jack Batdorff is the chairman of the Pioneer Group. Email him at jbatdorff@pioneergroup.com.

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Posted by Jack Batdorff

Jack Batdorff is the chairman of the Pioneer Group. E-mail him at jbatdorff@pioneergroup.com.

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