REFLECTIONS: It’s time for something on the lighter side: Part II

It’s a super day today! It’s the grand opening of Big Rapids’ Brutus Dog Park … where everyone finally sees what incredible work the unbelievably diligent dog park committee has done over the last summer!

But I’m not going to dwell on that … as I promised a few people that I would get on with No. 2 – The final installment of the wild and wacky sayings of that famous erudite, Steven Wright.

So, with that being said, here we go!

One of the comic scientist’s favorites also is one of mine:

“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

Obviously, he sees things a little different than we do – or rather than most sane people do!

Here are some more of his wacky gems:

“I’d kill for the Nobel Peace Prize!”

“Half of the people you know are below average.”

“99 percent of the lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

“82.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

“Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”

“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”

“The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.”

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

“What happens when you get scared half to death twice?”

“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

“The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”

“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

“The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.”

“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.”

“Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.”

“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.”

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

And finally, two of my favorites:

“I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.”

“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child …eventually.”

Whew! I could go on and on with Steve Wright quotes … what an under-the-counter visionary! Crazy guy!

My dear friend Dave Barber keeps sending me all this “STUFF” for my column … and usually, it’s something that’s been on the last lap around the track. (Sorry, Dave!)

So this time, he really hit pay dirt! It was a hoot … and so am going to repeat it here. Thank ‘ew, Dave.

(The following was reported by Dave by one of his friends.)

A few days ago a friend of mine sent me a ‘Vietnam Veteran’ hat.  I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to the Ludington Walmart.  While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Vietnam Vet?”

“No” I replied.

“Then why are you wearing that hat?”

“Because I couldn’t find my hat from the War of 1812.” I thought it was a snappy retort.

“The War of 1812 huh.” the Walmartian queried, “When was that?”

God forgive but, I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity. “1936.”

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”

“It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it.” This was beginning to be way too fun.

“Dude! Really!” he exclaimed. “How did you get to do something that cool?”

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”

“Dude!”, he was really getting excited about what he was hearing.  “That is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you kind of stand out?”

“Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.”

The moron nodded knowingly.

“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still top secret and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh yeah,” he gave me the “don’t threaten me look. “Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”

With a really hard look I said, “You have a family don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them would we?”

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the “I see you” gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I’m going back with a Homeland Security hat.

Whoever said retirement is boring, you just need the right kind of hat.

Thank you again Dave! Your career goal of having been a contributor to “Reflections” has been reached. Now what?

Have a great weekend!! And many thanks to all you folks who made the Brutus Dog Park a reality!

 

Jack Batdorff is the chairman of the Pioneer Group. Email him at jbatdorff@pioneergroup.com.

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Posted by Jack Batdorff

Jack Batdorff is the chairman of the Pioneer Group. E-mail him at jbatdorff@pioneergroup.com.

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