REFLECTIONS: Not a parent left behind … ha!

By Jack Batdorff
Pioneer Group Chairman

Excuses.

Like it or not, everyone uses them.

But the ones I love to read about the most are the simple ones … made by school children … youngsters and college-age … AND their parents.

A number of years ago, I wrote a column about excuses … and after searching the net, discovered a whole passel of the little babies that I had forgotten.

After I quit laughing … and spending hours reading some of the most outrageous and humorous ditties I had ever seen … I reviewed them again and picked the ones that were “family friendly” and am enclosing them here.

Read and enjoy!

“Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by some very close veins.”

“Please excuse Bob from school from September 1 to November 1. He had to attend a religious sacrificial giving ceremony on Indian grounds.”

“Please excuse my son from school yesterday. He has gangrene and itches in the wrong places.”

“Please excuse Jackie for not having her homework … she was a little under the weatherman … and there was a big flurry in Central America.”

(From a Philadelphia person who said his brother used this in real life)

“The only reason that I do bad in school is because I’m near and far sighted.”

“I didn’t come to school yesterday because I was feeling like I was going to be sick … but thankfully I wasn’t.”

(I love this one by a distraught mother!)

“Please excuse my daughter for being late. Her broom won’t start so I had to send it back to Salem for repairs!”

“I’m sorry … but my baby sitter flushed my homework down the toilet.”

“I’m very sorry Tyler can’t go to school today because his hormones are raging.”

“I’m sorry I can’t come to school yesterday because I have toemonia.”

“My son Michael won’t be in school today. He caught his thing in his zipper while dressing and is in a lot of pain.”

“Please excuse Eric from school on May 5th through May 19th. He was waiting in line for the new Star Wars film. You will be happy to know he got tickets for next September … when he will be missing another week of school while he waits for the perfect seat.”

(From a VERY honest teacher!)

“I am sorry your exams are not all marked. My cat got jealous as I was marking them instead of petting him and after I went to bed he attacked the test papers. Those of you missing entire sections will be credited full marks. If I can see your answer through the tooth mark holes, I’ll mark what you wrote down.”

(From another apologetic teacher!)

“I’m sorry your books are being returned late. My briefcase was run over in the middle of Fraser Highway after it fell from the roof of my car. I apologize for the tire tracks on some of your pages … they will not detract from your marks for neatness.”

“Please excuse Casey from school. It was Take Your Daughter to work day. I don’t have a job so I made her stay home and do housework.”

“Please excuse my daughter from school yesterday and P.E. forever. She had a very bad asthma attach running in P.E. because the coach made her run too much. Please excuse her from P.E. even though the doctor says she needs it.” (Dah!)

From a 15-year college instructor … who thought he had heard it all until … ”A student told me he could not take an exam one day because he had a vasectomy yesterday and he could not think.”

“Oh, sorry teacher, the work isn’t done because the cafeteria food made me delirious.”

“Please excuse Ryan’s absents … he has smoked too much weed over the last few days and is extremely tired.”

(And true honesty!)

“Al was not in school yesterday because he didn’t feel like going.”

(True story…)

“My daughter couldn’t turn in her homework because her dad made a mistake and used it to start a fire in the wood stove.”

(From a high school attendance office)

“Johnny was late today because of a shallow gene pool.”

“I’m sorry I was absent … but I caught my head in the power window of the car.”

“I’m really sorry my home work isn’t done but our family just got a new paper shredder … and I just had to test it out … and accidentally shredded my homework.”

“Please excuse Henry for being late for school. He was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.”

“I didn’t do my homework on paper because I’m leading a protest on tree abuse … and my dog ate the disk my homework was on.”

“Please excuse Ricky from school yesterday. He spilled gasoline on his stomach and was afraid he would explode.”

“Please excuse my sister from school. We told her her mother is her grandma, her sister is her mother and daddy is still daddy this weekend … and she hasn’t come out of the bedroom since.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t in school this morning, but my futon bed broke while I was sitting up to turn off my alarm clock and the supports busted and the whole thing caved in and trapped me inside until my mother came and got me out.”

“Please excuse John X. from school this afternoon … he has an appointment with his gynecologist.” (The gynecologist … upon examination … was his mother.)

(Overheard in a high school office)

“I don’t have an excuse for being late, but here is the phone number of the man whose mailbox I hit …”

“I’m sorry my homework isn’t here, but I bumped into Shania Twain last night and she though my essay would be a really good song … so she took it and will be returning it soon.”

“Sorry I was late to school. When I got up this morning, my medulla oblongata just felt really funny.”

“According to the art of Feung Shui, my desk was creating a negative energy space … so I ditched it and have nowhere to do my homework>”

“Please excuse Angele from school … she had to go to the hospital for testes.”

And finally …

“Please excuse Jason for being absent … he had a cold and could not breed well.”

So kids … (and parents) … remember we have a lot of teachers that read this column … so if you need an excuse, be careful of what you say … and don’t say I didn’t warn you!!

Have a super weekend.

Jack Batdorff is the chairman of the Pioneer Group. Email him at jbatdorff@pioneergroup.com.

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