REFLECTIONS: Absolutely CRAZY classifieds

Classifieds!

I love to read them.

I particularly like to sort out the funky ones! You know… the ones with the glaring errors, typos and quirky requests.

I sometimes wonder if some of the writers are part of our gene pool! (OK… I’ll throw in some of the newspaper classified people as well!)

Many, MANY years ago, I hired a pretty looking and smart talking young gal who had graduated from Ferris State University and had applied for a job at the opportune time: We had just had an opening in our two-person classified department.

This gal could talk the wrapping off a golf ball. Sharp as a tack, super on the phone and just the type of asset we needed at our front desk.

One day, following what I assumed was a VERY long weekend, my lead classified gal (who just had gotten married) called in sick … and our new gal took over.

Solo.

It lasted two days. The new gal lasted less. The classified section was loaded with typos and grammatical errors. So, being the concerned individual that I was, I diligently pulled in my newly hired employee and judicially showed her the errors.

“It’s the typing,” she said. “I never learned how to type. I’m not much of a speller either, so I have to look up nearly every other word in the dictionary … and I only type with two fingers.”

I felt I was struck by a bolt of lightning — STUPID should have been branded on my forehead.

Here I interviewed someone but never, NEVER, asked if typing was an issue.

It was before computers and spell check, but I was flabbergasted. I had no idea a Ferris grad wouldn’t know how to type!

Obviously, we parted ways. I just wish I had remembered to save some of those classified pages for chuckles.

Sidenote: At that time in my career, John Bergelin was president of First National Bank … now Chemical Bank … and when he vacationed in Florida, he took great pride in shipping me back his mailed issues of the Pioneer, which he read and then dutifully marked in red each and every grammatical and spelling error for me to peruse. He had a particular ball those two days as he red-inked the classified pages!

Arriving back in Big Rapids, John would always make it a point to stop in the office and ask if I had received his “pundits,” as he called them. And he always said he hoped I was OK with him sending them … and I always assured him I was.

The truth of the matter was I called them “missiles” and always took a swig of my Pepto-Bismol when I saw one sitting on my desk! Ah yes, those were the Bromo and Pepto days!

Anyway, here’s some that I just happened to find!

Tree for sale:

ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREE — For Sale. Like new. Needs stand, ornaments, lights and branches. $99 firm.

 

Lost:

CAMERA — with personal pictures from ladies restroom at Loran County Fair.
No questions. Please call

xxx-xxxx.

 

Lost:

DONKEY — wearing a pink halter. Monterey Center.

Phone xxx-xxxx.

 

Found:

LARGE OBESE GOLDFISH. 11 years old. Bites. Call xxx-xxxx.

 

Wanted:

Someone to grind or chew hay for horse with bad teeth. Contact James (Bud) Williams.

Call xxx-xxxx.

 

Lost:

COCKTAIL — Lost in King Street area.

Call xxx-xxxx.

 

For sale:

RATTLE SNAKE — 4 months old. Good play thing for kids 10 yrs to 80 yrs. Will hold til X-mas.

Xxx-xxxx.

 

Found:

Dog dressed in a Superman costume. Call xxx-xxxx.

 

For sale:

Outdoor Nativity Scene. No Mary, Joseph or Jesus. Just call

xxx-xxxx.

 

For Sale:

BOX OF TWINKIES — 10 years old, two missing, rest have cream filling sucked out. $5.

Xxx-xxxx.

 

For Adoption:

2 female Chihuahua’s, both crate trained. Also 1 male old English Sheep Dog with two glass eyes. Good guard dog. Adoption fees $5 to $100.

Call xxx-xxxx.

 

For sale:

One pair hardly used dentures, only 2 teeth missing. $100 OBO. Call Xxx-xxxx.

 

Found:

DIRTY WHITE DOG — Looks like a rat. It’s been out awhile. No collar. Better be a reward.

Xxx-xxxx.

 

Information:

MENTALLY ILL NEEDED — to interview for novel. Must be successful and interesting. Email

Xxxxxxxxxx.

 

Help wanted:

TALENT SEARCH — Can you BURP or FART better than your friends? We want to talk. BIG $’s!

Call xxx-xxxx.

 

Free:

FREE to good home. 2 yr. old pitbull. Cropped ears. Blood thirsty. Loves cats, children.

Call Xxx-xxxx.

 

For sale:

HORSE — Very personable. Half Appaloosa, half Labrador Retriever. With saddle. $800.

Call Xxx-xxxx.

 

Notice:

Buy one divorce. Get the next one ½ OFF! CHEAP DIVORCES Call Sean Simmons.

 

New listing:

LOST — One African elephant

Call Xxx-xxxx.

 

Going on vacation? Worried your pet won’t get the proper attention? Try Don’s Kennel and Rifle Range. All boarders get the same attention.

Call xxx-xxxx.

 

Help wanted:

Dental hygienist. Part time, two days/wk. Will marry if
necessary.

Call Xxx-xxxx.

 

For sale:

GE working self-cleaning oven/stove. $150. Needs good cleaning. Call…

 

FREE:

Large refrigerator freezer. Would make a good playhouse.

Call Xxx-xxxx.

 

Jobs wanted:

BASS PLAYER — Not the best, but doesn’t suck. Wants to hook up with a classic rock band.

Call xxx-xxxx.

 

Job wanted:

DREAM JOB — Federal employment. Proudest achievement: My military service. Special talent: Can cook minute rice in 58 seconds.

Call xxx-xxxx.

 

WANTED — Someone who can speak and write Australian.

Call Xxx-xxxx.

 

Lost:

Search and rescue dog. From 13th and Peoria area.

Call xxx-xxxx.

 

For Sale:

Assorted gardening gloves.

Only 99 cents (picture shows gloves with 6 fingers)

 

For Rent:

HOUSING TWO BEDROOM — Sublease. Nice area. BARGAIN rent. Drawback: Big hairy spiders drop off bedroom ceiling at night. Call Xxx-xxxx.

 

Missing:

ORANGE — Missing since 21st in Lakewood. $25 reward.

Call Xxx-xxxx.

 

Great gifts:
Pre-wrapped nose hair.

Call Xxx-xxxx

 

Well folks, that’s all I’ve got for now. Enjoy the balmy weather and will pester you again come next weekend!

Jack Batdorff is the chairman of the Pioneer Group. Email him at jbatdorff@ pioneergroup.com.

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