REFLECTIONS: Email treasures — A mish mash of thingies

Every now and then, I purge my emails…and when I do so, normally find a few I think you readers would enjoy.


Those I put into a folder marked “thingies,” and when my mind draws a blank on what to write about—or if I’m in a hurry and need a quick fix—I delegate my thinking neurons to the back burner and head for the file.


Today’s one of those days.


I have writer’s bloc—which ‘taint purdy—and I need a quick fix before my editor, who can be a real stickler on this thing called ‘deadlines,” metamorphs into his nether self. His head gets red, his eyebrows squinch down and he’s been known to shoot off one of those one word editor-type emails that say it all, like “well???”


Thus, fearing I was soon to be so endowed, I delved into the wondrous “thingie” folder and liberated the following morsels of information and humor.


I hope you will concur. (And my editor, as well!)


The following twenty three point deductive statement was submitted by good friend Kelly Quinn. My only comment is: I wish I had written them!


1 Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.


3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.


4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.


5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


6. Was learning cursive really necessary?


7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died, and why do they put in a picture of a 50+ year old, that was taken in their 20’s (did they get younger just before they died?)


9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.


10. Bad decisions make good stories.


11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection … again.


13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.


14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.


17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.


18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?


20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.


21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.


23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. I wonder if that’s saying something!


Love ‘em! Thank you (and my editor thanks you) Kelly!


Another good friend, Ed Burch, sent me an email that is just so VERY appropriate for this time of year….and, as he said it so properly, “It Hit Me Like a Ton of Bricks.”


The only change I’m going to make is I’m going to insert pup Elsa’s name in the appropriate places!


So, here we go:


It just hit me!

Elsa sleeps about 20 hours a day.

She has her food prepared for her.

Her meals are provided at no cost to her.


She visits the Doctor once a year for her checkup and again, during the year, if any medical needs arise.

For this, she pays nothing and nothing is required of her.

Elsa lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she’s not required to do any upkeep.


If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.


She has her choices of luxurious places to sleep.

She receives these accommodations absolutely free.

Elsa’s living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.


All her costs are picked up by others who earn a living.


I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks…Elsa is a CONGRESSWOMAN!!


Thank you Ed for this little piece of succinctness!


To end this column, I turn to another good friend, Harvey Groves, who sent me the following Words of Wisdom.


“As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s hiney. It’s the tortoise life for me!


1. If walking is good for your health, the Postman would be immortal.


2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish and drinks water… and is fat.


3. A rabbit runs and hops all the time… and only lives 15 yours.


4. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise???

I don’t think so.


I’m retired.

Go around me.


God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked and good fortune to run into the ones I do…and the eyesight to tell the difference!”



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