REFLECTIONS: Some crazy classifieds

Every now and then I like to hop on the net and look for the latest and craziest classified ads I can find.

… and simultaneously wonder if the ad takers might have been on a buzz when the ads were placed.

Ya. Ya Ya.  I know. There are always misspellings…which can totally change a meaning…BUT then there are others…like these:

“SURGEON WANTED for a new health clinic opening in the area.  NO experience necessary.  Must have own tools.   Call  xxxx-xxx.”

“TURKEY—FOR SALE.  Partially eaten.  Only eight days old.  Both drumsticks still intact. $23.00.   Call xxxx-xxx.”

“FOR SALE: One pair hardly used dentures.  Two teeth missing.  $100.00.   Call xxxx-xxx.”

“FOR SALE: Outdoor nativity scene.  No Mary, Joseph or Jesus.

$100.00.  Phone xxxx-xxx.”

“LOOKING FOR A Female Companion to help my friend taken care of his Draft Horse and Small Farm.  Must disappear when other female companions show up.   Phone xxxx-xxx.”

“HAVE VIAGRA. Need woman.  Any women between 18 and 80.

Apply to Box xxx.”

“WANTED: Someone to grind or chew hay for horse with bad teeth.   Contact James at xxxx-xxx.”

“Nemisis wanted: I”m 5’10” into kayaking, books,  and conversation (by day), justice, honour and vengeance (by night).

Seeking arch-enemy, possibly crimelord or deformed megalomaniac.  Phone xxxx-xxx.”

“WANTED: someone to go back in time with me.  This is not a joke.  Box xxxx, Oakview, Ca. 93022. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons.  Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.”

“PONY FOR SALE.  Looks like small horse.  $900.  Call xxxx-xxx.”

“EASYGOING ATHLETE, SJM, 41, seeks SF, looks not important. Must be tall, slim and attractive. Apply to Ad # xxxx.”

“FOR SALE. Human Skull.  Used once only.  Not plastic. $200.  Call Dr. xxxx-xxx.”

“FREE RENT in exchange for elderly woman.  Phone xxxx-xxx.”

“FOR SALE:  large collection of old people.  Call xxxx-xxx.”

“WAITRESS NEEDED.  Must be 18 years old with 20 years experience.   Apply in person.  Carnation Restaurant.”

“FOR SALE: POTTY CHAIR, solid oak, light brown stain.  $20.  Call xxxx-xxx.”

“FREE TO GOOD COUNTRY HOME:  ¾ Rottweiler, ¼ Shepherd, three years old, female, spayed, very intelligent.  Loves to eat live rabbits and kittens, loves to play with kids.   Call xxxx-xxx after 5 pm.”

“LOOKING FOR SOMEONE to do yard work.  Must have hoolahoop.  Call xxxx-xxx.”

“HONDA CIVIC ‘96 AM/FM/CD, low miles, good condition, speaks Spanish.  Call xxxx-xxx.”

“FOR SALE:  USED TOMBSTONE, perfect for someone named Homer HendelBergenHeinzel.  One only.   Call xxxx-xxx.”

“WANTED:  Air traffic controller.  No experience needed: We train, HS grads 17-34.  Great pay.  Benefits.  Must be willing to relocate.  Call xxxx-xxx.”

“MENTALLY ILL NEEDED.  To interview for Novel.  Must be successful and interesting.  Email xxx@xxxxxx.xxx.”

“FOR SALE:  China buffet, hutch solid pine, 6.5 tall x 4.5 wide, lighted windows, few cat scratches but cat has been killed.

$700.   Phone xxxx-xxx.”

“MAGNETIC LEVITATION achieved simply, inexpensively.  Genuine free-flight with ordinary magnets. $5.00 Instruction Booklet.: MAGNEFLIGHT, xxxxxx xxxx Bear, De.”

“TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?  We offer profit sharing and flexible hours and benefits.  Starting pay $5-$7 per hour.   Phone xxxx-xxx.”

“FOR SALE:  Do to the down economy, I am forced to sell my collection of Star Trek portraits in order to continue paying for my World of Warcraft subscription.  Each one is painted by myself.  Please call xxxx-xxx.  If my mom picks up please ask for Warlock.”

“SOCCER BALL * * Signed by either Pele, the former Brazilian soccer player widely renowned by most experts and fans to be the finest player that has ever existed, or by some guy named “Peter.”  $75  Phone xxxx-xxx.”

“FOR SALE:  Full Size Mattress. Royal Tonic. 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.  $40 Phone xxxx-xxx.”

And this, without a doubt is my favorite!!! Under …

EMPLOYMENT WANTED FORMER MARIJUANA SMUGGLER

Having successfully completed a ten year sentence, incident free, for importing 75 tons of marijuana into the United States, I am now seeking a legal and legitimate means to support myself and my family.

Business Experience— Owned and operated a successful fishing business—multi vessel, one airplane, one island and processing facility.  Simultaneously owned and operated a fleet of tractor-trailer trucks conducting business in the Western United States.  During this time I also co-owned and participated in the executive level management of 120 people worldwide in a successful pot-smuggling venture with revenues in excess of

US$100 million annually.   I took responsibility of my own actions, and received a 10 year sentence in the United States while others walked free for their cooperation.

Attributes— I am experienced in all levels of security; I have extensive computer skills, am personable, outgoing, well-educated, reliable, clean and sober. I have spoken to thousands of kids and parent groups over the past 10 years on “the consequences of choice,” and have received public recognition  from the RCMP for community service. I am well traveled and speak English, French and Spanish.  References available from friends, family, US District Attorney and others.  Please direct replies to xxxxx-xxx-xxx.

And with that … I’m going to go on a dog walk … and contemplate life.

Enjoy the weekend.

Jack Batdorff is the chairman of the Pioneer Group. Email him at jbatdorff@pioneergroup.com.

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